Sometimes the daily events which tug at the sleeve of attention are more wearying than may be realized. Easy to bypass the patient friend within which looks for a moment of repose to offer gentle illumination carried by the turn of a leaf or a bird on the wing.
Patient friends, as well in the external world, await to offer just their presence, which of course is a gift beyond measure. Noticing, opening is all it takes to be enriched by that gift. And then of course to give in return.
A dream, first in awhile, this morning, after a day of deep but almost unfathomable emotion: the dream is of being on a sprial staircase at the edge of willing, surging waters which seem about to spill into the stairwell. Then slowing spiraling up to get above the waters, but the intensity of their presence remains. Pondering the dream I thought of the emotion of the last while, and realized that along side of the gratitude of reconnecting with my Playasbeing friends may have been the upwelling of sadness,tears, rage perhaps toward the pain of my imprisoning doubts; but then realizing as well, in terms of the reading/studying I am trying to do re the nature of ‘evil’ in everyday humankind, that these very wrenching doubts may be those internal elements which lead us to abandon our individual selves in the face of authority, pressures, and situations which erode/erase our sturdy inner selves, leading to the erasure of our own humanity. This dawning realization feels so important, but so difficult to gain clarity on. BUT the re-connection with my Playasbeing group, and the fellowship and beauty it offers, which lingers, gives me the courage, or perhaps sturdies the self to look and to dream about this aspect of our everyday experience which can wreak such pain and suffering.
As mentioned in Playasbeing’s welcoming response to yesterday’s posting here, trusting companions may be the vital link when doubt erodes trust in oneself. Is it ironic or fitting that the investigation of the dark forces can only be done in the company of the light and beautiful forces of humankind?
Returning after an absence of several weeks which still puzzles me; reading earlier postings and the lovely generous responses stirs the question: why go silent for even awhile? Perhaps too much preceding access –too much intimacy, exposure, emotion? Retrospective voices which capture and direct attention from moment to moment provide differing accounts, while the day to day mind may be deaf and dumb to the myriad forces, fantasies, doubts that underpin ongoing experience. Best to observe, and to proceed aware that every step requires shifts of balance, and trust in the new.
